A Strange Aquaintence
by greengirl6
Summary: Naruto found someone who acknowldeged him. He found someone to be his friend. He found someone to be his family. Now he's going to show the rest of the world just exactly who Uzumaki Naruto can be.
1. Prologue

**This is my very first fan-fic. Don't you feel privileged to read it?**

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately I don't own Naruto or I wouldn't have to write these fan fictions for my supper…WHAT? I'M NOT GETTING PAID FOR THIS?!**

**Prologue 1**

Naruto couldn't help but giggle slightly as he watched the chuunin coming closer to his cleverly concealed pit. The jerk had spit on him the other day in the street, hence this highly personalized prank. He glanced at the bucket lying next to him and couldn't help but smile even wider. The thousands of little ants he had raided from the ant hill out in the woods were roiling and he knew, _knew_, how absolutely terrified of bugs this specific chuunin was.

It would have been a surprise to his class mates but Naruto was an expert tactician. He knew how to observe his enemy and make an attack that was highly personalized and stylized. He always observed the enemy before the attack and found the perfect weak point. He smiled thinking of the last chuunin he had pranked. The idiot had practically walked into the kunoichi ambush Naruto had cleverly set up.

The startled cry the chuunin sent up was Naruto signal. He dashed forward, the seething bucket of live insects ready. The hapless chuunin managed to look up just in time to get a face full of angry ants. The scream would have done any woman proud and Naruto couldn't help but laugh out loud, enjoying the man's girly cries. The trained chuunin was so distracted by the ants crawling over him and under his clothes that he couldn't summon enough chakra to leap out of the pit.

"Naruto! Damn you, you little demo- Aaah!" the chuunin screamed as he danced around trying to claw the ants out of his clothes.

"HA! Take that. That will teach you to spit on other people, you ba-"

"You're a little young to be cursing like that, I would think," a calm voice from behind him said.

Naruto jumped up and spun around. A hand grabbed collar preventing him from dashing away. Naruto cringed, his hands coming up to protect his head, mentally cursing himself for staying near the scene of his crime. He peered fearfully up at the figure who peered curiously down at the chuunin, still screaming down in a pit. The man was big and his head was bald and covered in scars, but his eyes held amusement as he stared down at the terrified chuunin. "Nicely done, monopolizing on the man's fear." He commented in a low tone. Naruto stared at him in shock. "Eh, boy, focus you're chakra a little more. You're a chuunin act like it."

The chuunin's reply was unprintable.

The scarred man chuckled and finally looked at Naruto whose eyes were narrow. "So I finally meet the little kid who's been making fools of the entire shinobi force."

Not being instantly beaten did wonders for one's courage. "That's right, old man. I'm the best. BELIEVE IT!" Naruto yelled, thrusting his fist in the air, magnificently despite the fact that he was still being held by the collar.

Said old man, who wasn't actually that old, chuckled. "I like you. What's your name?"

"Uzumaki Naruto, the next Hokage!"

That statement brought an arch to the man's eyebrows, but he only smiled faintly. "Well, Uzumaki-san, I am Ikibi."

Naruto's mouth dropped open at the honorific added to his name and he stared at the man in shock. After a moment he shut his mouth. "I like you," he said seriously, nodding his head, "Why haven't I ever met you before, Ikibi-san?"

"I work in the ANBU headquarters," he said, "I don't interact much with outsiders, especially ones of your age group."

"I suppose that makes sense, though I thought you were supposed to keep that sort of thing a secret," Naruto said, his head cocking quizzically to the side.

"That doesn't work well, Uzumaki-san, if everyone already knows who you are and what you do."

"So what do you do?"

Ikibi looked at boy for few moments, measuring him. He was beginning to like Uzumaki Naruto. Probably because the boy seemed to be tuning out the chuunin's screams as effectively as he was. He knew the boy was the Kyuubi vessel and he also knew the boy was attacked quite frequently and occasionally quite seriously. The Hokage-sama always sent him the more serious attackers. The boy could be beaten down or angry and bitter toward s everyone, like the Uchiha child. Instead the boy was friendly towards people who respected him and delightfully vengeful on the people he felt he had been wronged by. In this case the reaction was completely justifiable. "I'm the head torturer for the Hokage."

The boy stared at him for a moment, his eyes narrow. Finally he said something that disturbed and shocked Ikibi. "Do people hate you because of it?"

"No," Ikibi said after a moment of consideration, "But they are afraid of me."

Naruto nodded gravely, and Ikibi noticed they were still standing over the screaming chuunin. "We'd better be going before he attracts more attention with that screaming of his."

Naruto grimaced. "You would think he would have some guts. Those aren't even the black spiders that make you sick."

As they wandered away Ibiki wondered how often the boy was going to keep saying things like that.

**3 Years Later**

_"A shinobi's greatest tool is the mind; either yours or someone else's. Especially when it comes to fear. Fear is the most devas__ta__ting weapon a shinobi has because it turns your opponent against you. Cultivating a personality that enhances fear is the best tool against enemies. However these personalities often turn out to be repeated to often and can lose their touch as in the case of Mo-"_

"Wha'cha doin?"

Naruto looked up from the heavy tome at the boy who stood looking down at him. The pineapple shaped hair was vaguely familiar to him, but the lazy slouch was undoubtedly that of a Nara. He sifted through his earlier memories trying to figure out where he had seen the other boy before. They were about the same age and with that he realized that the boy had slept in the third row the first two months he had been at the Academy.

_Nara Shika-something. What was it?_

Naruto smiled widely at the boy, his blue eyes lighting up. He rarely saw people his own age since being adopted and apprenticed by Ikibi-niisan three years ago. "Hi, I'm Uzumaki Naruto! What's your name?"

"Shikameru."

_That's it! Shikameru. Gotta remember that._

"So, wha'cha readin?"

Naruto blinked, looked down at the thick book in his laugh and then grinned. "It's Ibiki-niichan's study guide for me. It's got lots of different writers and exercises." He smiled proudly holding up the book that looked distressingly thick and complicated to the lazy Nara. "It's _personalized_."

"Uhh, okay."

They stood like that for a moment before Naruto asked, "You wanna sit down?"

"Yeah," Shikameru sighed in relief as he slumped on the bench. He looked at the blond boy curiously. Nara's were inherently lazy; they really didn't like to bother with anything other than watching clouds. However they were definitely _not_ stupid and even a nine year old Nara knew that there was something different about another nine year old kid sitting in the Information and Interrogation Office's waiting room reading.

Nara's were curious. It wasn't very startling that they were always bored considering that about most anything that piqued their interest was carefully deducted, analyzed, reasoned, and then neatly filed away before it could even begin to become curious. Simply put, life didn't hold enough mysteries to keep the Nara from being bored. And for them bored equaled lazy.

However Nara Shikameru knew there was something different about this situation. His father had brought him here and threatened him, on pain of death (otherwise known as chores; tch, troublesome things) not to tell his mother. The jounin had then proceeded to give the boy a list of things he was to ABSOLUTELY NOT DO on pain of death (real death this time) most of which the boy would have been too lazy to do even if he hadn't been threatened. All in all, his father's actions had told Shikameru that this was a very dangerous, unfriendly place where the jounin were as likely to rip out your eyeballs as they were to slit your throat. Saying that both were very common and that the section even had their own medic-nin.

So it had tickled his interest when he had seen a sunny blond who looked to be about his own age sitting on one of the old worn sofas, the books, empty ramen cup, water bottle and shoes around him showing him to be very comfortable and quite possibly a resident of such sofa.

Since Shikameru wasn't an idiot, just lazy, he knew that Information and Interrogation Offices meant was a more polite civilized, humane way of saying "Home of the Insane Paranoid Spies Who See Enemies Around Every Corner and Usually End up Killing Said Spies, Oh, and their Friends, The Guys Who Like to See Blood, Guts and Pain, Your Friendly Neighborhood Torturers, Reside Here Too".

Shikameru snorted softly. They might as well have put Konoha's House of Many Horrors on the sign. It would have had about the same effect on the population.

"Sooo," the beginning of the blonds' question was drawn out as though he was hesitant to ask, "Do you go to the Ninja Academy?"

"Yeah."

"What's it like?"

Shikameru thought for a second. "Troublesome," he decided.

"Oh," the blond sounded slightly relieved. That made Shikameru curious.

"Why'd ya ask?"

"Oh, well," the blond looked at him and gave a large foxy grin, "Ikibi-niisan won't let me go and I was worried because all the books say that all the real, real _good_ shinobi went to the Academy. So I wanted to make sure I wasn't missing anything."

"Hmm."

They sat in silence a few moments longer.

"Shikameru?"

"Hmm?"

"You wanna play a game?"

That caught the lazy genius's interest. Even if all the people always lost when they played him, the simple act of having someone to strategize against made the game fun. There was a reason the Nara were ninja's instead of genius inventors, or bankers or something else. "You got shougi?"

Naruto's grin nearly blinded him. "Yep, and go too!"

"Hmm...alright."

"YATTA! WOHOO!" Naruto rocketed off the couch, jarring Shikameru and in a quick whirl of legs and arms was practically swarming up a large decorative shelf situated neatly in the cold, neatly decorated room. Shikameru could practically feel the energy coming off the boy and, as if it was some weird disease, he could feel himself becoming a little more energetic. Which meant almost, _maybe_ a normal lazy person.

The blond ran back to him, dumped the game in his lap before running to drag the coffee table sitting a few feet away to their feet, chattering happily to Shikameru who was smiling in a lazy way. The blond didn't seem to be the brightest bulb in the bunch (he meant that as a euphemism, literally the boy could rival the sun) but he really did have enthusiasm.

Reaching out he began to set up his own pieces.

He had no idea how Naruto had done it. He was still staring at the board, shocked confused and perhaps mentally scared for life. It was a draw. A perfect tie. Every piece was completely unable to move anywhere else. Every single piece.

Shikameru's hand shook slightly as his reached out to touch the last piece he had been able to move. He hadn't had a draw in two years and that had been against his father. No one, NO ONE, had ever managed to so completely screw his strategy up. He lifted his head and stared wide eyed at Naruto who was also peering at the board a look of awe on his face. He raised his head and their eyes met.

Wide blue met unnaturally wide black. Suddenly Naruto's face transformed in to the happiest, brightest and probably dumbest smile Shikameru had ever seen.

"That. Was. So. Frikkin. AWESOME!!!" Naruto jumped up and began to dance around. Bounding back and forth between the board and Shikameru's still stunned face. "How did you do that one move in the corner? Do you really always plan every exactly out? It really seemed like you were?! You're so good?! Not even Ikibi-niichan is as smart as you?! Do you…"

As Shikameru stared at the chattering boy, who didn't seem to realize that Shikameru wasn't answering any of his questions, he felt his mouth twitch. Once, twice,...and suddenly a sight that had graced Konoha only once before sprung into existence.

The lazy, classic Nara droop of the boy's lids disappeared as his eyes began to burn with rivalry, determination, and anticipation, his grin lighting his entire face. The Nara had finally found something that interested him. No more time to be lazy. He had a blond to beat so he could go back to being lazy and knowing that the world was right.

"Naruto."

"…and then when you-"the boy stopped and looked at him.

"Let's play again."

Naruto's smile completely matched the Nara's. "Bring it on."


	2. Chapter 1: A Review of Psychology

**Chapter 1**

**A Review of Psychology**

"You're not actually considering this are you?"

The Sandaime glanced up at the incredulous school teacher with a thoughtful expression, one hand slowly stroking his goatee. "The idea is not without some… merit."

"But-but-" Iruka's mouth resembled a fish as he gaped at his leader. Snapping it shut, he shook his head and looked closer at the man. "The system, and that-" he stopped for a moment at the looks on both the Sandaime and the head of Torture and Interrogation faces. "That child," he said much more carefully, "hasn't attended even one Academy class. He wasn't even there for the first day."

The Sandaime smiled at the man. "Someone suggested to me that the Academy might not be one of the most beneficial learning environments for the child and seeing the general prejudice I had to agree with him. He has been a personal apprentice for the past six years."

Iruka didn't know what to think. He had to agree with the Sandaime about Uzumaki Naruto's education. Even he would have been hesitant to teach the Kyuubi container and he was on the more mild side of the demon vs. container debate. But every ninja had gone to the academy, even geniuses like Uchiha Itachi and Hatake Kakashi. It was required.

"But, Hokage-sama, it's _required_."

The Hokage smiled and held up a large folder. "Here it is. Every test, quiz and assignment that your class has done in the past six years: learned, tested and graded." He handed the sheath to Iruka who opened it and started rifling through the papers in disbelief. "I do believe that you'll find a personal exemption order from the Hokage on the very top of that pile."

Iruka stared at the pile for a moment longer then sighed. It wasn't his place to question the Hokage, no matter how much he wanted to. As a shinobi it was his duty to obey the Hokage. "It seems he has all the correct course work," Iruka conceded. "Does he have a voucher from his sensei?"

"Actually he has two."

Iruka jumped as a short, dark haired, trench coat wearing, flesh baring, dango eating, deadly woman emerged from the shadows behind the head torturer. They stood together staring at him, one cold and calculating, the other smiling with a sadistic pleasure that sent shivers down his spine. Miterashi Anko and Morino Ibiki; the two most psychologically damaging people in Konoha. Great.

"Stupid little Gaki's just as good as any of your students," Anko told him, grinning in a way that made Iruka wonder who had been cruel enough to expose the child to her definitely _not_ tender or loving care. "Probably better. Feh," she said waving a hand, "who am I kidding. My kid could mulch any one of yours."

Reassuring not in the least.

"His skills are not really what's in question here. His sensei will grade him as he pleases," Ibiki said, his harsh gravelly voice causing Iruka to wince and cringe. That answered his question about cruelty. "His team is what we're interested in."

Ah yes, back to the kicker.

"You can't really be suggesting that we break up the Shika-Ino-Cho trio?" Iruka said, glaring at the paper in front of him that had the new, supposedly _improved_ version of team assignments.

"Why not?" Anko said, her tone obnoxious, "Just because their parents go good together doesn't mean they do."

"I first agreed with you on that, Iruka," the Sandaime said calmly, ignoring Anko, who…pouted? Iruka tore his eyes away from the strange woman to look at the man. "However I would have to agree with Ibiki's reasoning."

Iruka didn't even have to ask.

"That team," Ibiki nodded toward the paper in Iruka's hand, "Is based on psychology instead of skills. I have noticed that teams are not working as well together as they have in the past. The Sandaime agreed with my assessment and agreed to an experiment. That list is a test run of a new strategy of teamwork. Teams will be based on the individual psychology of the students and how they work with their peers. Anko and I have been observing your students, both in and out of class. I categorized the teams I thought most likely to succeed in passing their sensei's tests."

"There's only nine students here."

"Yes."

"I have twenty eight."

"You did notice when he said _succeed in passing_ didn't you?" Anko drawled lazily, draped over a chair in a manner that was a little too much for Iruka's sense of propriety.

"Yes," he said defensively, "but you left out some very good students here."

"Good students, yes. Good shinobi? No." Ibiki took the paper from Iruka and pointed at one of the teams. Team 10. "Let me give you a demonstration. This is my assessment for Team 10, consisting of Yamanaka Ino, Hyuuga Hinata and Akimichi Choji.

"The Yamanaka girl is whiny, has a temper, is obsessed with her appearance and boys, and has basically no skills beyond her clan's jutsu. However she is an assertive leader who is fiercely loyal and protective and at times can be motivational. Put her on a team with the Uchiha, she'll obsess over him; put her on a team with Shikamaru she'll drive him insane with her nagging; put her on a team with Kiba or Naruto, they'll clash horribly and if you put her on a team with Haruno they'll spend all their time arguing over hair, clothes, diets, or Uchiha."

Iruka sweat dropped. Ibiki had his student pegged.

"Hyuuga Hinata: no self-confidence, no ambition, no willingness to put herself forward and a constant fear of failure which ensures that she'll never try. She is gentle and compassionate and has a calming effect and seems to genuinely want to help others, but it held back by her fear of making it worse, though she is very proficient in both her work and her studies as long as she's not fighting. This is probably an effect of the attempted Cloud kidnapping.

"And last, but not least, Akimichi Choji. He has an obsession with eating, like all Akimichi, but his temper at being called heavy, suggests he's ashamed about it which leads to more eating. He has little self-confidence and little self-control. He's practically joined at the hip with Shikamaru because of his fear of not being accepted because of his weight. He is very good at his clan techniques, genuinely enjoys other people's company, and is loyal. When he becomes determined he works hard to achieve his goal. If that can be channeled into his studies as a shinobi he can become a very proficient shinobi.

"Their team will be a balancing act based on self-confidence. Ino has it, almost but not quite to the point of arrogance. She'll be determined to succeed and because of her interest in helping others, she'll be sure to make them succeed as well. That drive, without the derogatory influence of her family, will boost Hinata's confidence; Choji will be able to help her when she needs a steadier, more reliable source of confidence. Ino will force Choji to stop eating as much, but Hinata's influence will help them both come together, making Ino calmer and Choji feel accepted. Choji will be able to bolster Ino own self-confidence and hopefully get her to stop dieting and start taking training seriously, by showing her how far behind both her teammates she is."

Iruka stared at the man, in complete silence. It was probably the strangest and most unorthodox team arrangement he'd ever heard of. Taking a Yamanaka and an Akimichi and then throwing a Hyuuga in the mix? It would be insane but for the personalities of the team members themselves. Ino, Choji and Hinata.

_It might actually work,_ he mused. "And the other two teams?"

"The Uchiha's a brat and has a superiority complex. When he sees other teams succeeding he'll become the leader of his team and hopefully develop a clan instinct toward them. Because he'll be building it he'll see it has his and want to protect it, hopefully doing away with that whole nasty avenger business." Ibiki paused and looked at the name again. "However that kid's got enough psychological issues to fill a textbook. If any team falls apart it will be his.

"The Inuzuka will challenge for leadership but once he sees it's not happening he'll be more of a follower. He'll see how far behind the Uchiha he is and focus on improving his strength. However his pack mentality will probably be the core of teamwork for his group.

"Haruno will need to almost be killed a few times but after a while she'll see how far behind she is and realize that she has to improve. With her chakra control she'll either be great with genjutsu or with medical jutsu's. Her obsession with the Uchiha will probably fade more once they actually begin to work as a team."

Anko gave a high pitched laugh that made Iruka cringe. "Or die. That girl really needs some help if she thinks that stuck up little ba-"

"Thank you very much, Anko," the Hokage smoothly interrupted. He smiled at Iruka. "You see why I think this might work?"

"Yes," he said slowly. He could see alright, and he was actually beginning to warm up to the idea. If only the Kyuubi container wasn't the catalyst for all this. "But what are you going to do about their senseis."

"Since the teams are based on personality, I'm basing the teams on that to," the Hokage said.

Iruka's mouth fell open. "You're not letting them pick their own teams?"

"Nope," Sarutobi said smiling at the man. "They're going to have whichever one I assign them to. Just like a mission."

Anko jumped wildly, laughing with such evil delight that Iruka had no questions as to the state of her sanity. "They're soo going to hate that!"

"Yeah, well, who'd you have in mind?" Iruka asked edging away from the insane woman who was still cackling.

"Kurenai will be a good sensei for Team 8, taking both Kiba and Uchiha down a peg, while showing Haruno that it's possible to be a strong and beautiful woman shinobi.

"Asuma's going to get so fed up with Ino that he's going to drive them into the ground with techniques and exercise, but he's too nice to destroy both Hinata and Choji's self-confidence. And-"

"You're gonna put that stuck up, know it all, lazy, book reading jerk with Gaki?" Anko asked, her expression of gleeful anticipation, unnerving both the Hokage and Iruka. "With _my_ Gaki?"

They glanced at each other then at the calm Ibiki.

"Yes," the Hokage said slowly, only to be cut off by an ear piercing whoop of pleasure, leaping in the air and proceeding to thrown kunai around her. The males in the room dived, dodging the missiles.

"Ha, the Gaki's gonna destroy that guy!"

Iruka glanced that the gleeful kunoichi then at the Hokage who was sadly examining a slash in his white robes. "Are you sure that this is a good idea?"

"I'm beginning to wonder that myself," the Hokage said, as he was forced to dodge another barrage, this time senbon needles.


	3. Chapter 2: What are the Odds of That?

**Hi! I'm finally updating. Please forgive my pitiful soul for my belatedness.**

**Chapter 2**

**What are the Odds of That?**

"No way. That's just not possible." The blond couldn't have been more deadpan.

"I would have to agree." Neither could his dark, spiky haired companion.

"Things like that just don't happen."

"Once again I have to agree."

"He shouldn't even be alive."

"Pretty sure that I agree."

"What an idiot."

"Agree."

"How does a person survive with such crappy reflexes?"

"It's a mystery."

"I mean look at the guy. He should be toast."

"No doubt about it."

"I mean, seriously, ashes to ashes, dust to dust."

"Like burnt bread crumbs."

A silver eyebrow twitched, beneath soaked silver hair.

"They must be practically handing out the jounin positions these days."

"Step right up, free jounin positions. Get yours today."

"Maybe it's more of a lottery thing."

Another twitch.

"And the mystery prize is…jounin!"

"What about-"

A subtle cough interrupted the blond, who blinked blearily at the completely soaked and inexplicably annoyed jounin. A few pieces of plastic covered the silver haired man from where the balloon's carrying the water had exploded. He was currently having a very difficult time breathing due to the normally 

overpowering stench of garlic water that was simply agony to his sensitive nose. The blond and the spiky haired boy glanced at each other.

"Do you think it's a Konoha thing, or are all the jounin in the shinobi world as easily pranked as ours seemed to be?"

"Definitely us."

"Way too much prosperity."

"We've grown complacent."

"How can they expect us to survive in such a harsh world if our teachers are unable to avoid water balloons?"

"It's like sending lambs to the slaughter."

"We really need to improve th-"

"Enough," the jounin said, his voice a trifle angrier than he wished it had been. It would ruin his reputation if anyone saw two little, almost-genin getting him as ruffled as a wet cat. He glanced at the third, who just stared at him, all expression and emotion hidden by a high collar and dark glasses. Hatake Kakashi huffed inwardly as he turned away.

Great. Two annoying smart asses and a kid who liked hiding his face as much as he did. Life couldn't get better.

He focused on the three genin, well almost genin, staring at him. "Right," he said coughing a little, "I'm your jounin-sensei. I think you should all introduce yourselves, tell us what your likes, dislikes, hobbies, dreams…" Kakashi trailed off, realizing how lame he sounded. _Damn those kids for setting me off my groove._

"Eh?" Naruto asked, his face screwing up into an expression of grossly exaggerated confusion. On anyone else Kakashi would have thought he was being mocked. "How do we do that?"

"Yeah," the lazy Nara agreed, his lids masking the sharp gleam of intelligence in his eyes. "Give us an example."

The Aburame, classically, said nothing.

Kakashi sighed. There was no hope for it. "Hi I'm Hatake Kakashi-"

"Hello, Kakashi," the two boys chorused in sync, sounding suspiciously like one of those interactive therapists the Hokage had suggested he try out.

"I'm don't really like that much-"

"Not true!" Naruto hissed to Shino, suspiciously casting a glance around, completely missing the jounin staring at him with a gimlet eye. "Nee-chan told him he's a huge pervert and that he worships perverted books."

The glasses boy didn't really react, except to turn his head towards Kakashi.

_Stupid glasses,_ Kakashi huffed. "As I was saying, I don't really have any dislikes-"

This time it was Shikamaru who leaned over Naruto, practically shoving his elbow in the other boy's face and whispered to Shino, "Not true either. I have it on good authority that he dislikes anything having to do with YOUTH!"

The shouted word nearly made Kakashi go into a panic and dive away, as if escaping an overly exuberate green beast. As it was, even with the warning he still gave a violent full body twitch.

Otherwise known as a flinch.

"-my hobbies, mmm, you don't really need to-"

"You know what my Nee-chan said his hobbies are?" Naruto asked Shikamaru, "She said, and I quote, 'Kakashi's hobbies are as follows; reading perverted novels which will one day get him killed by an angry kunoichi, and not necessarily an enemy one either, doing dangerous missions, which in his vaunted arrogant opinion only _he_ can do, and finally last and definitely not least, staring at hunks of rocks for hours'."

Shikamaru looked at him. "Nyh, I knew he looked a little off."

"It's the white hair," Naruto said to him. "It gives people _impressions_."

_I'm gonna let my dogs munch these kids._ "-MY DREAMS," he said these words louder in hopes of subverting any chance of interruption.

"Are nasty and perverted," Naruto told the others, "Did you know that one time he said Nee-chan's name in his sleep." He leaned closer. "And he was crying!"

Kakashi didn't know who to strangle first. The arrogant, irritating, snarky little brats in front of him or the traitor of an ANBU teammate who had allowed that particular tale to circulate. Oh, someone was going to be Sharinganed tonight, no doubt about it.

"Are you listening to me?" He snapped angrily finally deciding to give up his cool act. Anything to shut the brats us!

"Of course!" Naruto said, as if offended by the very idea that he was whispering derogatory comments about his sensei right in front of the man's nose.

"We were just compiling our common information in order to gain a higher understanding of your character and abilities to allow us to form a more cohesive and brotherly unit," Shikamaru told him, his face completely innocent. The fact that the Nara were known for their sly, pointy, faces and that it should be impossible for him to look innocent didn't seem to bother him in the least.

"Of course." This statement was a lot flatter than Naruto's was. "Well then, in the interest of cohesion," _Who the hell teaches a twelve year old a word like 'cohesive'?_ "And brotherhood, please share." The words were accompanied by a grand bow and a waved arm.

"I'm Nara Shikamaru, I like clouds, shogi and sleep. My hobbies are watching the clouds, playing shogi, and sleeping. I dislike girls, moms and troublesome activities. My dream is to have a skylight, so I can alternate between watching the clouds and sleeping more comfortably."

Kakashi decided that he wouldn't comment. He wouldn't even think of a comment. He gestured to the Aburame next, completely bypassing the wildly waving blonde. It really wasn't petty payback. Truly.

"Aburame Shino, bugs, cold, collecting bugs, the Color Rainbow Bug."

Kakashi began to mentally piece together what the boy had said.

"So what you're saying is that your name is Aburame Shino, you like bugs, you dislike the cold, your hobby is collecting bugs, and that your dream is to find the Color Rainbow Bug?" Naruto asked.

Shino nodded.

"Oh," Naruto scratched his head and gave Shino a squinty eyed look before asking, "Well why didn't you just say so?"

"He didn't need to," Shikamaru told him.

"Why's that? If we have to talk so should he?"

"Because you just said it for him."

Naruto opened his mouth to protest before snapping it shut and sending a long, comically suspicious look at Shino. "Very sly, Aburame, very sly. I've got my eye on you now."

Kakashi was getting a head ache. "Just go, Naruto."

"ALRIGHT!"

No mercy for said head ache it seemed.

"My name is UZUMAKI NARUTO! Don't forget it!"

"Couldn't possibly with you shouting that loud. It's engraved on my eardrums," Shikamaru muttered. Naruto ignored him.

"I love, love, love LOVE Ramen. I also like my Nee-chan, Ibiki-niisan, playing pranks on the Torture and Interrogation Squad and last definitely not least-"there was a pause while Naruto fished around in his pocket, "GAMA-CHAN!"

Two of the new Team 7 stared at the boy who was, disturbingly enough, cuddling and cooing to a ripped dirty frog wallet. The other just rolled his eyes.

"I dislike perverted books, nets and being captured after playing a prank on the Torture and Interrogation Squad." All three of the others in the room winced. "Most of all I dislike the three minutes it takes for my ramen to cook." The blond's eyes literally teared up. "It's awful!"

_Kid's got on strange idea of what awful is_.

"My hobbies are playing hide and seek with my Nee-chan, "if Naruto's nee-chan hadn't been a certain psycho snake wielding kunoichi Kakashi might have heckled him, "planning pranks for the Torture and Interrogation Squad, and eating ramen.

" And my dream," that this point the boy climbed on top of his desk, placed his fist on his chest and stuck both it and his chin out, proclaiming grandly, "MY DREAM IS TO BE HOKAGE!!"

Inner Kakashi wept for the coming generation. Where had his elders gone wrong?

Kakashi stared at the boy, still posing and still on the desk, then the Nara boy, who was also on the desk, only it was just his head and he appeared to be sleeping, and finally the Aburame boy who just stared back at him all expression masked. Kakashi ignored the hypocrisy of the fact that he was more than a little annoyed by the fact he couldn't see most of the boy's face.

"I can't deal with this," he muttered and turned to walk out of the room, to tired for even the transportation jutsu. "Final genin test tomorrow, come to Training Ground 10, don't eat breakfa-"

"WHAT!? But breakfast is the most important meal of the day! How are we gonna-"

"FINE! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! JUST DON'T EXPECT ANY SYMPATHY FROM ME!!"

The door slammed shut with force that rattled the building. The imperturbable Copycat Ninja had left the building.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…So, do you think he liked us?"

The other two looked Naruto like he was delusional.

"I hate them," Kakashi whimpered, his face buried in his leaders paperwork, his hands protecting his head.

"There, there," Sarutobi soothed, glad to have any reason to avoid paperwork. "You don't really, it's just culture shock."

"No," Kakashi moaned, "I really do." Suddenly he looked up, his one eye blazing insanely. He latched onto Sarutobi's robes and pulled him closer, "I swear I'm gonna kill them!"

"No, no you're not," Sarutobi told him, patting his shoulder, "You've just have a rough few months. This is just the idea of letting go of your independent, genin-less lifestyle talking."

"No, it's not because I'll have no need to let go of my independent, genin-less lifestyle, because I'm gonna kill them. All three of them. At first it was just the blond. But now it's all of them. Even the Aburame. Kid just stares and stares and stares and-"

"Yes, yes," Sarutobi said patting his shoulder, "You just need to go to bed early tonight, have a nice hot shower, a warm cup of milk-"

"Their blood on my kunai," Kakashi said longingly.

"No," Sarutobi said strongly, "No blood. Just blankets."

Kakashi sighed and looked at Sarutobi. "You realize the first chance I get I'm going to murder all three of them and pin it on Miterashi."

Sarutobi chuckled. "I'd expect no less from my premier ninja."


	4. Chapter 3:Of Snotty, Awful, Bratty Genin

**I'm having a lot of fun reading all the reviews I'm getting. It's nice to know my writing isn't as bad as I seem to think it is. I'm trying to make this story a combination of snarky, slightly acerbic characters, but with a serious action side to it. Tell me if I succeed.**

**Chapter 3**

**Of Snotty, Bratty, Awful Genin and Late Arrivals**

The last thing Kakashi expected to see when he popped up on the training field at 10 o'clock in the morning, two hours _after_ he told his team to meet him, was nothing. Absolutely nothing. Well there were some rocks, a trees, a bridge, a stream, but really nothing resembling the three genin he was going to thoroughly thrash before sending them hurtling back to the Academy. Kakashi felt his blood begin to boil.

It was only ten in the morning! Since when was he so easily rattled? However, Kakashi reassured himself, those three were particularly annoying. No one could really expect anyone to keep their cool around them.

"Eh!? Where the hell is your team, Kakashi!?"

An extremely loud, crass and annoying voice intruded on the peace of the small clearing where Kakashi was currently debating the merits of the pointy ends of kunai in regards to the hides of arrogant young genin. Kakashi cringed, and cursed whatever god had seen fit to plague him with said curse. Wincing inwardly, but hiding it beneath his calm cool Copy-nin exterior, Kakashi turned lazily around and saluted with two fingers.

"Yo!"

Miterashi Anko stood, watching him, her expression smug, arms crossed beneath her generous chest, pressing her cleavage against the fishnet overdress. Her expression was painfully smug, her eyes glittering with psychopathic enjoyment. "I heard someone went running crying to the Sandaime that three new shinobi had hurt his feelings," she mocked, "Wouldn't happen to know who it was, _would you_, Kakashi?"

_Damn. How in the hell did she find out about that?!_ "Mmm, not really," Kakashi said coolly, "But if you're referring to that monster you so disturbingly see fit to call kin, I'm afraid that he and his little demon accomplices are not yet shinobi. I'm pretty sure they need their jounin –sensei's pass on their second genin test."

Miterashi grinned, enjoying the slightly bitter tone creeping into the normally apathetic ninja's voice. "Oooh, the gaki must have really gotten to you," she squirmed happily, "I just _knew_ he would." She sighed and wiped away a few tears (part of kunoichi training was the ability to cry on demand, though the men were completely unaware of the fact). "He makes a big sister so proud."

Kakashi didn't know which to be more disturbed about. The fact that Anko was crying or the fact she was crying because someone had the ability to drive him insane-

_No, stop. Don't even go there. No twelve year old can one up the Copy-ninja. You just weren't prepared._ His quickly mental pep talk bolstering his spirits he looked at Anko blandly. "Figures the two of you would bond. You both have the same twisted mind."

"So proud of it, too," Anko said happily, too cheery to keep from bouncing around, her smile disturbingly large. "Me 'n Ibiki already got dibs on the kid once he's a chuunin. He's gonna join the family business."

"Assuming he even passes his second genin test, much less his chuunin exams." Kakashi frowned. "Speaking of which, I should probably fail them all now for not being on time."

Anko snorted. "As if. The Hokage would never let you get away with failing them for having one of your own flaws."

Kakashi raised his single visible brow. "But isn't that what teaching is all about? Helping young ones avoid the paths of their misguided elders to guide them to a brighter future?"

"For someone else maybe. For you it's just sitting around reading one of your perverted novels while a bunch of kids slave away on D-ranks." Anko frowned slightly, "You _are_ going to teach them something, right?"

"Of course," Kakashi said, shocked offense clear in his voice.

"You're a paranoid, one eyed weirdo," Anko told him, "I don't believe you."

"You wound me, Anko-chan."

"As it seems you're not dead, I highly doubt that."

"Like you could touch me, darling," Kakashi smirked. Anko growled and started forward when a voice stopped her.

"You know, I have a feeling I should recognize this from somewhere, but I'm not exactly sure what it is."

The two jounin turned to see three genin with hands full of _ice cream_ of all things. _They were late because of __**ice cream**__?_ Kakashi thought, _There's no way I'm passing these three._ At least now the excuse was completely justifiable. Shinobi didn't buy_ ice cream cones_! It was undignified! It totally didn't fit with the whole hardened killer image that shinobi were careful to cultivate.

"Kitchak bugs." To both jounin's shock it was the Aburame who spoke.

"No," Naruto said thoughtfully, staring at them hard, "No, I'm pretty sure that's not it."

"Baka," Shikamaru sighed, rolling his eyes. "Kitchak bugs live in the deep in the jungles of the Mist Country. They are extremely territorial and violent. One bug can kill a small human. Every five or six 

years both the male and the female bugs come into heat. Because their mating instincts go against their territorial instincts, their matings are often preceded by hostile posturing and often fighting in which one or both will severely wound each other."

Naruto's eyes widened and his head whipped back around to stare at the shocked and slightly nauseous adults. "You mean Anko-niichan-"

"Yep."

"-and Cyclops-sensei-"

"Yep."

"-hostile posturing?" His voice grew fainter with each question and for a minute Shikamaru was worried his teammate would faint.

" 'fraid so."

"OH MY RAMEN!!" Naruto shrieked, gaining back his volume with a suddenness that injured the eardrums of everyone within a five mile radius. Unfortunately for Kakashi and Anko his volume also meant that everyone also heard his next horrified sentence.

"YOU MEAN ANKO-NEECHAN AND KAKASHI-SENSEI ARE GONNA GET JIGGY WITH IT!!"

Kakashi calm with the chilled rage of a silent killer. That calm barely allowed him to grab Anko, who was frothing at the mouth with a berserkers rage intent on killing the three genin who were still ignoring them in favor of Naruto's theatric performance of disgust. The kids had just signed their own death warrant. Hokage or not, he was kill all three of the little buggers and he was going to enjoy it.

But first he was going to have a little fun.

"Oh, children!" he called, his voice low and sickeningly sweet.

Naruto had obviously heard that voice coming from Anko more than a few times because he stiffened, and turned to look at his new sensei, his eyes wide, his face terrified. "Oh, Kakashi-sensei," he squeaked, smiling weakly. Shikamaru was also squirming, and seemed to be wracking his big brain for anyway to escape. Kakashi was pretty sure he'd heard this tone more than once from his mother. Shikaku Nara's wife's temper was legendary. As was the control she had over her husband.

Shino just stared, though there seemed to be a low humming of disturbed bugs coming from his vicinity.

_Good._

"I'm not really your sensei yet, Naruto," Kakashi told them, smiling as if it were bag of gold he was holding instead of a raging psychopathic kunoichi bent on retribution. However with what he was planning the insane lady might as well have been one. "You need to pass a little…test."

"…Test?"

"Oh, yes. A survival test."

The boys shared nervous glances. They really didn't like the sound of that.

"Oh-" Naruto's voice cracked and he coughed to get it back to normal. "Oh really."

"Definitely." Kakashi grinned, his one eye glittering with a light that urged the boys to take a few safe steps back. "The ability to survive in hostile conditions is imperative for a ninja. That is why for me to see if you have any talent in the future I must examine how well you can survive in a hostile environment.

"Here's what you're gonna do. You three are going to run, hide and dodge until this time tomorrow. Both me and Anko-chan here are going to hunt you down like a bunch of rats." Kakashi's eye gleamed. "If all three of you live until then, then you're on the team."

"Wait a second," Naruto said, momentarily forgetting his fear, "What do you mean if we live?"

The gleam became slightly more psychotic. "Oh, it's a hostile environment. All sorts of things might…happen." The giggle following that word struck fear into their hearts.

They glanced at each other wide eyed.

"You guys might wanna run. You have five seconds before I let her loose."

They ran.

Kakashi grinned. "This is gonna be _fun_." Then he released the enraged kunoichi.


End file.
